This a song lyrics from Christina Aguilera's Lotus Intro and when I listened to the song it really resonated with me. For me it represents how far I have come in my life and breaking my past issues and hurt. Like a lot of swamp family members I was bullied and it went on for a brutal three years until I finally told my parents I wanted to change schools. They knew about the bullying and tried to help, which unfortunately made it worse and the teachers never seemed to do anything about except one. The school was small, one class per grade and I would say about 85% of my class constantly bullied me. What was even more confusing at times they would act like my friends but then next day would go back to tormenting me. Thankfully cyber bullying was a thing of the future back then. I remember at the age of ten just being so emotionally depressed, terrified go to school, no self esteem or confidence, and quite withdrawn from everyday life. When one of my classmates who was one of my biggest tormentors spit in my food (I didn't find out till later in the day), that was the final straw for me. To this day I still remember my sixth grade teacher, finally being the one to get upset since she had been witnessing the class sneakily attack me over the school year. Thank you Mrs. Schultz, even though I was not in the room when she gave a huge lecture to the class, which resulted in the girl only getting a three day suspension. I left that hellish place and never looked back.
Over the years after I was still emotionally scared from the experience, having high anxiety, really bad self esteem, hating myself and was very negative. But finally when I started college I somehow found my old self I was before the trauma. My program was based with a lot of oral presentations which terrified me but slower my confidence built up and my classmates were everything my grade school ones had not been. Supportive, caring, fun and almost like a small family, which over two years helped bring a lot of the real me back. Even if the last year at my current job, ironically talking over the phone has boosted my confidence and I have met amazing and supportive people who I love having in my life. Also I decided holding a grudge was not something I wanted anymore. I let go of the past and forgave those who made me go through hell but also made me who I am today. In the past I didn't believe in God because of all that I had been through, today I have a much better view and relationship with him/her which has helped get through some rough times.
A decade after I have finally healed a lot of emotional wounds and scars myself, it has just taken time but also a hell of a lot of strength and tears. I want to tell my fellow swamp family it does get better, just give time and be willing face your fears and pain. I know a lot of the people have had it worse than I have but this my advice to you to breakthrough what is holding you back in life and causing you pain. Everyone is different I was lucky enough to not have to do it medication and a little bit of therapy from my college guidance counsellor. But some of you made need more help and may not have the strength to get through it yourself, there were times when I didn't think it did. It will be worth it though when we can all be the unbreakable lotus we want to be.
Lots of Love,
Carly Pearl
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